In the last few months several people have asked me what I plan to do with my master's. One young lady commented: you won’t be able to teach because you’re married. I think she was referring to the fact that I have kids at home and wouldn’t want to neglect them, or my husband for that matter, to go to work. A priest in the confessional said something to the effect that being a wife and mother is enough and completing these studies on top of that is expecting too much of myself.
Indeed being a mom is enough... especially of eight children! I heartily agree with that.
These comments make me feel the need to explain how I, a Traditional Catholic lady committed to motherhood, got on this degree path.
Don’t get me wrong. All I wanted to do once I had children was to be a good mom, educate them, and make a happy home. So when I became quite ill and unable to be active, I felt lost. I had to hire help and found myself lying in bed a lot while my job as a homemaker and homeschooler fell more and more into others’ hands. I was able to drag myself out of bed in the morning for Mass, thanks be to God, as sitting quietly at a Low Mass did not require the expenditure of much energy. But then back to bed. Day in and day out became a monotony.
Looking for things to lift my spirits became difficult when the things that had previously brought me delight were now impossible - ballroom dancing, hiking, choral singing, teaching homeschool classes, Catechesis of the Good Shepherd.
I felt like a failure, too. As a Christian seeking the will of God, I know that first on the list is fulfilling the duties of one’s state in life. I kept asking myself: how can I fulfill these duties when I can hardly get out of bed?
At one point I came to the conclusion that what my duties really came down to were not what I had thought. That what was really required of me was not to keep a clean home and homeschool, but something much simpler: being there for my kids with love. If I couldn’t be all that I had wanted to be as a wife and mother, I could still be there when they needed someone to listen to them. I could still keep the prayer life of the family on track. I could still direct their education, even if I wasn’t the one supervising it at every moment.
But still I was lying there in bed, day in and day out, feeling like I had no goals and nothing to motivate me each day. I wanted to offer my suffering up for my family, and I did, but it felt that darkness was growing inside. My mood was unconsciously negative and I was afraid that it would envelop the whole family. I begged God to show me an escape. And I began wracking my brain for an idea of how to turn my physical and mental suffering into good for the salvation of my soul and my family.
“I have nothing to offer,” I would think to myself. And then in an effort to lift my own spirits I would try to come up with things that I was still capable of doing. All I could think of was reading and understanding St. Thomas. The headaches had taken away my physical energy and so many of my mental abilities, but this was still left to me. “This is a gift I have been given. Even if I have difficulty leading the Aquinas Study Group anymore, at least I can still study and understand St. Thomas.”
Somehow that turned into pursuing a master's degree in theology. My husband gave his approval and I found an online program. Not surprisingly, the darkness lifted immediately when I began classes and my mind became constantly challenged by deep theological questions.
Even with just one class per semester, I had goals – papers to write, quizzes and exams to study for, and readings to complete. Each task completed gave a me a feeling of accomplishment. My thoughts were always on God. I began spending less and less time in bed and feeling a new purpose to my life. I even began to have more energy for my family. And there was once again joy! The master's program was clearly an answer to my prayers.
I never would have decided to pursue a master's while I had children at home if it hadn’t been for my physical and mental debilities. Being a mother is certainly enough. But I see these master's studies as just one more way that God has brought good out of evil in my life. May His Holy Name be praised forever and ever. Amen.