Be still, my soul,
thy God doth undertake to guide the future as He has the past
This summer I attended my graduation. Finally, graduation after five years of studying toward my masters in theology while being a full-time mom of eight and homeschooling. The way things worked out was so characteristic of Divine Providence in my life that I feel compelled to share.
This morning my daughter said to me, “Mom, now that you’ve graduated, what will you do with yourself? You won’t be taking anymore classes, right?”
“Well, actually, I will,” I grumbled. “Even though they graduated me, they gave me an empty diploma because they said I haven’t finished all my requirements.”
“What?! That is so mean! Why would they do that?!”
Here's what happened. When my studies were nearing completion, I had emailed the registrar to ask what I had left to complete. Having transferred in some credits from another graduate program, along with having had some courses waived because of undergraduate studies, I needed clarity. I discovered I only had two more courses left to complete as well as the Latin competency test.
After working hard to graduate by 2020, this goal now seemed very much in reach, so I decided it was time to apply for 2020 graduation as well as my comprehensive exams. With my altitude-induced chronic headaches, it seemed like a good idea to take my exams at a lower altitude. My plan was to take a 2 week class on campus so that I could study in the company of professors and other students and then take my exams there.
Sadly, within a week of my decision the Communist virus had thrown such a loop into our life that graduation did not seem like an option anymore. I thought I could at least take the exams on campus during the 2020 summer program, but then the on-campus courses were all moved online. I would have to put both graduation and exams off for another year, if I wanted to do them on campus.
Fast forward a year later and I’d been studying daily for my Latin exam when I found that I still owed money on a class. “No problem, I can pay that, but I just need to make sure it isn’t a mistake.” I started clicking around on the Populi student portal to figure this out. Lo and behold if I didn’t come across a transcript page. To my surprise I saw each section of my transcript with a “Completed” stamp beneath it. Core Requirements – Completed. Moral Theology Requirements – Completed. Latin Requirement – Completed. My undergraduate Latin must have satisfied the requirement, I surmised, when my transfers were entered in during the previous year. I was so relieved to find that my Latin was completed. With only a couple months until comprehensive exams, I decided to drop the Latin studies and focus on studying.
"I guess the good Lord wanted me to refresh my Latin," I thought, "and He knew I needed the motivation of a test do that." Now that I was back up to speed in Latin, He was relieving me of that stress so that I could move on to the exams.
Then I learned that the two week courses would not take place just prior to graduation, because there was to be a Latin course during that time. I inquired whether I would be able to stay on campus anyway to study, to take my exams, and to attend graduation, but the answer was negative as long as I was not taking a course. I would have to take the exams online, yet to do that I needed to obtain a doctor's note.
What a disappointment! I would have to travel to a lower elevation, then take the exams online, and that meant finding my own accommodations. So we planned a family trip across country spanning the time of my exams until my graduation.
Two months after registering for the exams and graduation, I had passed my exams in a hotel as I was driving to my graduation ceremony with my family.
I was feeling so elated to be done... but God had other plans.
With only two weeks until graduation and en route, I received an email saying that my requirements had not been completed. It seems that with all the transferring and waiving of courses, there had been an error so that I still needed 3 more credits. On top of that, I still needed to pass my Latin competency exam - I had misread the online transcript.
“What?! I registered for the graduation two months ago, and now 2 weeks before graduation they tell me I still have requirements!” I whimpered in disbelief to my husband. “I could have taken a course last semester but I thought I was done!” I was disappointed, but not angry – mistakes happen.
I called one of my professors. He was so kind. “You have earned this, Joanne," he reassured me. But like me, he was helpless to rectify the problem.
I emailed the dean, and then I met with him in person when I arrived in town. He was also very kind. He said I could “walk” at graduation and receive an empty diploma, but it was not within his authority to make exceptions to the rule. I cried.
“Who does have that authority?” I asked. I emailed that person, and while I was waiting for a response, I took my Latin exam. I had not picked up a Latin textbook for several months, so I just put it in God’s hands. “So what if I fail. I can just take it again. But if I pass, there will be one less hurdle to graduating me.” I did pass the Latin exam, but the one with the authority wouldn’t budge on the remaining credits.
I was devastated. I had been waiting so long and worked so hard, only to be told I could walk with an empty diploma. How humiliating!
At the graduation Mass I sat in my pew and listened to the homily. “You have worked so hard to be here… Go out and witness to the truth!”
Thoughts swirled in my head: "The truth? You can’t go up there and receive a diploma," I said to myself. "It would be a lie. You haven’t graduated!" I began questioning what I should do. The graduation ceremony was going to be right in front of the Blessed Sacrament. "I am too ashamed to walk in front of our Lord, when I have not earned this diploma. I have to ask them to remove my name.”
As I was thinking these things the offertory song began.
Be still my soul, the Lord is on thy side. With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain. Leave to thy God to order and provide. In every change, He faithful will remain. Be still, my soul, thy best thy heavenly friend Through thorny ways, leads to a joyful end. Be still, my soul, thy God doth undertake To guide the future as He hath the past. Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake. All now mysterious shall be bright at last. Be still, my soul, the waves and wind still know His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below. Be still, my soul, the hour is hastening on When we shall be forever with the Lord When disappointment, grief and fear are gone Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored. Be still, my soul, when change and tears are past All safe and blessed, we shall meet at last.
It was as if the sentiments were emerging right from my own soul. The tears began to flow and then I wondered why on earth the choir director had chosen this sort of hymn for a graduation ceremony. “This is a song for a funeral or something.” Then, “…Surely, this one's for me!”
I sat there and prayed after Mass asking for light. I began wondering if in fact it was really pride for me to want not to walk. I was all in a confusion. I turned to my husband and whispered: “It seems like it would be a lie to walk. I can’t do it.”
My husband was quiet until we left the church when he said to me, “You have earned this, Joanne. Even your professor said that you’ve earned it. It doesn’t matter if you still have to take a class.” The thought was enough to quell the storm inside.
There was still the problem of walking in front of the Blessed Sacrament to be awarded my empty diploma. “Is this OK? Who do I think I am to have this accomplishment acknowledged in church?”
But suddenly it seemed very fitting to accept an empty diploma in the True Presence of our Lord. Very properly humbling. Symbolic of the empty hands, mind, and mouth that I must present to Him so that He may fill them with Himself. In the company of St. Therese, I would remain a little soul. In fact, it would be much less fitting for me to walk in front of the tabernacle if the diploma were not empty.
I decided to make the walk. My name was called, and I accepted the empty diploma with a joyful heart.
For so long I had been making plans for what I would do once I had my masters, but now I was wondering what would I do now that I didn’t have it.
One thing I had wanted to do was write a book based on a paper that I had written on a Scripture passage. My research for that paper uncovered amazing writings of the Church Fathers and Doctors concerning the relationship between man and woman that were absolutely astounding and new to me. “I am a cradle Catholic,” I thought. “Why have I never heard this before?!” I really want to share what I had discovered with others.
Now that I was wondering what I would do for the last 3 credits, my thoughts went to this book. I couldn’t write a thesis because that would be 6 credits and I did not feel justified in spending more of my family’s money than necessary. But I asked my Moral Theology professor if I could do a quasi-thesis for 3 credits. “You will have to get approval,” he replied, “but yeah, you could do a directed research project.”
“Will you be my advisor?” I asked.
“It would be a privilege!”
This was just what I needed to hear!
I did get approval for the project, and so now I can write my book with an amazing advisor helping me! Since this is required work, I will be motivated to complete it and not procrastinate. What a gift! Honestly, I can’t imagine things working out better.
I am thanking God for His goodness to me, in making such a happy outcome of what seemed such a dreadful occurrence. May His Holy Name be praised forever and ever. Amen.
Commentaires