One of the most important principles in the spiritual life is that we are all sinners who need to repent and receive forgiveness, primarily from God but also from each other. But the actual practice of saying sorry can be difficult when we do not know where to begin.
My husband and I have been doing exercises to work on our marriage and one that I have found particularly helpful is a protocol for saying, "I'm sorry." For small offenses just saying those two words is enough (or is that actually three words?) But for offenses that really wound, there is more we can do to promote healing.
This formula apology is a mixture of other formulas I found online, which I made uniquely my own when I thought about what works for me when someone apologizes to me. Sometimes it adds insult to injury when my husband says simply, "I'm sorry I hurt you," because I need him to take ownership of the offense and not just feel sorry for me that I'm hurting. I find healing when he can recognize and specify the precise action so I'm sure we're on the same page and it's less likely to repeat. On the other hand, sometimes hearing his explanation of why he did that thing, clears up my misunderstanding, and dissolves my fear of the worst. At the least, it helps me to understand him better.
When writing this protocol, I also considered what I need to face up to when I'm the offender, in order to actually change my behavior. The TV character played by J. Roumie in 'The Chosen' says something I found enlightening in reference to saying sorry.
You don't apologize to be forgiven. You apologize to repent.
Using the formula below makes repentance easier for me. It requires that I recognize how I made the other person suffer. It requires that I try to understand his feelings and to alleviate his suffering by positive actions. It also requires that I analyze my own feelings behind my behavior. Negative feelings can lead to inappropriate and hurtful behavior. So processing those feelings, and then finding appropriate ways to deal with them, goes a long way to amending my life.
Saying ‘Sorry’
1. Responsibility
own my offending words or action in specific terms
2. Remorse
apologize for the negative consequences of my action and empathize with your hurt feelings that it caused
3. Recognition
identify my underlying feelings which motivated my behavior
4. Resolution
consider for the future what I can do differently
5. Reparation
by affirmations renew my esteem for you, so as to repair the relational damage I caused.
If applicable, resolve to make restitution for other damage, and possibly use other love languages.*
I write a letter, email or text addressed to my husband using these steps, and he writes to me, too. He may choose to write an apology or he may write about how I hurt him (using the "I'm hurting" protocol.) While saying these things in person might also work, I find communication on difficult topics goes much more smoothly when we write.
Sitting together, we exchange the letters and then take turns reading the other's letter out loud, while we comment to show that we understand what is being related, validating the other's feelings. There is no place here for criticism or disagreement when I am reading his letters. I can only empathize and ask questions to clarify while it is my turn to listen.
Here is an example apology using this formula:
Dear Joe, I'm sorry for barking at you last night about leaving out the milk. I imagine you must have felt like a child being scolded, and like I cared more about the milk than about you. I was tired and irritable, but I should have just taken care of the milk with love. I want to be there to help, not to point out your mistakes! You do a lot for our family and I appreciate your hard work. I love you! Jane |
I can imagine using this formula to write an apology to other people in my family or to close friends I've hurt. And then there are so many instances I recall where receiving such a letter would have saved a broken relationship and been very healing for me.
It is not enough to confess our sins to a priest to receive the good Lord's forgiveness. We need also be penitent. This letter is one way to cooperate with divine grace in order to repent and amend our lives, to heal our relationships with God and with each other.
I hope you will also find this formula useful for saying 'sorry' when you are grasping for a way to repent. If it looks like something you want to try, I suggest you copy the formula and keep it handy.
I would love your feedback! Please like this post to let me know if you decide to use this formula. :-)
*5 Love Languages (coined by Gary Chapman): Words of affirmation, Quality time, Physical touch, Acts of service, Gifts
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